Raising a Kinder Generation: Why Social Graces Still Matter
They say the root of civilization is civility. And as civility fades, so too does the very fabric that holds a society together. I believe that. In fact, I’ve been witnessing it with my own eyes.
There was a time when families took great pride in passing on the “rules of civility”—the little things that speak volumes about our respect for one another. Saying “please” and “thank you,” opening doors for others, offering help without being asked, writing thank-you notes—these weren’t just quaint customs; they were the cornerstone of respectful communities.
But over the last few generations, many of these social graces have quietly faded. We’ve stopped expecting them. And worse, we’ve stopped teaching them.
Today, something as simple as a boy opening the door for a girl or pulling out her chair can spark discomfort. Some girls, unsure how to respond, may even reject the gesture entirely. (Perhaps this is a side effect of the more extreme interpretations of feminism.) But true chivalry is not about asserting dominance; it’s about expressing kindness, thoughtfulness, and respect—traits we should be encouraging in all our children.
We see the shift in other ways too. Consider how we dress. The joke of “People of Walmart” may get laughs, but it reflects a real cultural change. We no longer dress for the occasion—we dress for comfort. Business, semi-formal, and formal attire have become confusing or irrelevant for many. But the way we dress influences how we think, how we carry ourselves, and how others perceive us. As we slide into a casual-all-the-time culture, we also risk slipping into a casual mindset about how we treat others.
Gratitude, once a hallmark of good upbringing, is now rare. Thank-you notes have become a thing of the past, and “please” and “thank you” are no longer instinctive. Instead, we often see entitlement, rudeness, and a focus on self.
Worse still is how we speak to one another. Online or in person, abrasive communication has become the norm. The safety of a screen seems to give us permission to offend, belittle, and attack. What happened to the wisdom of Thumper’s mother in Bambi? “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” My own mother often asked us to weigh our words before we spoke: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Words have weight. Once spoken, they cannot be taken back.
And perhaps most disturbing of all is the growing inability to disagree respectfully. The attitude of “if you don’t agree with me, you’re evil” has led to fractured relationships, fear of honest expression, and a culture of canceling rather than conversing.
But it doesn’t have to stay this way. In fact, I believe the solution begins where it always has: in the home.
Parents, this is our calling. It’s time to reclaim the lost art of teaching social graces to our children. Not just with our words, but with our example.
And let me be the first to admit: I am still working on this myself.
Even though my parents made a sincere effort to teach these social graces to me and my siblings, I’m far from perfect. I’ve caught myself oversharing online more than once (my husband lovingly refers to me as his “security breach”—though, to be fair, he’d probably say that no matter how much I shared, because he’s a very private person in general!). I get excited in conversations and sometimes interrupt or talk over people. I’m also guilty of glancing at my phone during conversations—something my inner introvert finds oddly comforting in overstimulating moments.
While I definitely have room for improvement (don’t we all?), I believe it’s so important to recognize where we fall short and intentionally strive to do better. That’s the heart of growth—not just holding ourselves accountable but also inspiring our children to aim higher than we have. To rise above the trend of incivility and to become part of the solution.
If you’re not sure where to start, here are 21 social graces we can begin teaching today:
1. Saying “Please” and “Thank You”
Words like “please,” “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” and “no thank you” are the building blocks of civility. These simple phrases communicate respect, gratitude, and consideration for others. The most effective way to teach them is by modeling their use consistently. Let your children hear them often—at home, in public, and even in everyday interactions with siblings. When kindness is woven into your family’s daily language, it becomes second nature.
2. Making Eye Contact
Making eye contact during a conversation is a powerful way to show attentiveness and respect. It signals that you’re fully present, that you care about the person you’re speaking with, and that you value what they’re saying. Eye contact also builds confidence and helps strengthen connection. Teach this skill by modeling it—look your children in the eye when you talk to them, and gently remind them to do the same. The dinner table is a great place to practice, creating a safe space to build comfort and confidence in this important social grace.
3. Introducing Themselves and Others
Introducing yourself—and others—is a valuable social skill that demonstrates confidence and respect. When introducing one person to another, etiquette suggests addressing the person of higher status or seniority first. For example, say, “Mrs. Smith, I’d like you to meet my friend, Jacob.” Use polite phrases like “I’d like you to meet…” or “Let me introduce you to…” to keep the tone warm and respectful.
Teaching this to your children begins with explanation and modeling. Talk through the basic rules of introductions, then make it fun by roleplaying real-life scenarios—like meeting a teacher, greeting a friend’s parent, or introducing two friends at a party. With practice, it becomes natural.
4. Greeting Adults Respectfully
Greeting elders and those in positions of authority with respect is a sign of both maturity and good upbringing. In today’s casual culture, these formalities are often overlooked, but they still carry meaningful weight. Traditionally, adult men were addressed as “Mr.” or “Sir,” and women as “Mrs.,” “Miss,” or “Ma’am.” When speaking to someone with an official title—like a doctor, teacher, or religious leader—it’s respectful to use that title.
A polite greeting can also include a firm handshake or, when appropriate and with mutual comfort, a warm hug. To teach your children, start by explaining these etiquette basics and model them in your own interactions. You can also roleplay common scenarios and have your children practice shaking hands and greeting adults with confidence and courtesy.
5. Giving Undivided Attention
This one is especially important in today’s tech-driven world. With smartphones offering constant access to texting, music, social media, games, and even books, it’s easy to fall into the habit of divided attention—especially during conversations. (I’ll admit, this is one I still struggle with myself!) But when we’re glued to our screens while someone is speaking to us, it sends a clear message: I don’t value your time or presence.
Giving someone your full attention is a simple but powerful way to show care and respect. To help your children learn this, start by modeling it yourself—look them in the eyes when they speak, put your phone down, and be fully present. Create phone-free zones or times in your home, like “no phones at the dinner table,” to reinforce the habit. Over time, these boundaries teach children that people matter more than screens.
6. Active listening.
Active listening is a powerful communication skill that goes beyond simply hearing—it’s about being fully present and engaged with the speaker. Rather than just waiting for your turn to talk, active listening means focusing on the speaker’s words, tone, and body language to truly understand their message and emotions. It includes reflecting back what you’ve heard, asking thoughtful questions, and showing genuine interest. When you offer someone your undivided attention in this way, it communicates that you value them and what they have to say. It fosters trust, respect, and deeper connection—essential building blocks in any relationship.
7. Writing Thank-You Notes
Once upon a time, writing thank-you notes was second nature. It wasn’t reserved just for weddings, baby showers, or funerals—it was something you did anytime someone gave you a gift or extended a kindness. A handwritten note was a simple, sincere way to show appreciation—not just for the gift, but for the thought and love behind it.
Thank-you cards are most meaningful when they’re personal, specific, and handwritten. Teach your children this thoughtful habit by sitting down with them after birthdays, holidays, or anytime someone has gone out of their way to serve them. Help them write out a note, and then either mail it or deliver it by hand. Keep note cards, stamps, and pens in an easy-to-access spot so you’re always ready for spontaneous expressions of gratitude.
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8. Table Manners
Table manners may feel old-fashioned, but they’re still very much expected—and their absence is often noticed. Teaching your children proper table etiquette at home prepares them to feel confident and comfortable when dining outside the home, whether it’s at a friend’s house, a formal event, or a nicer restaurant.
Regular family meals are the perfect setting to practice these skills. Use this time to reinforce simple habits like placing napkins on laps, chewing with mouths closed, saying “please pass the…” instead of reaching, keeping elbows off the table, and putting phones away during meals.
Family dinners also offer a great opportunity to teach the basics of table settings—where to place forks, knives, spoons, napkins, and cups—as well as the proper use of each utensil. These small lessons, taught consistently, will give your children the confidence to navigate mealtime with respect and poise, no matter where they are.
9. Respecting Personal Space
Teaching children about boundaries from a young age helps them understand and respect the personal comfort zones of others. Use simple, relatable examples—like how pets might not always want to be picked up, how friends might need space, or how certain toys are “mine” and not for sharing right now. Then continue to reinforce those lessons with gentle reminders. Over time, these conversations help develop the awareness and emotional intelligence kids need to navigate social interactions respectfully and confidently.
10. Letting Others Speak Without Interrupting
It is easy when talking to close friends or when excited to interrupt without even knowing that you are doing it. I have also found that people who grow up In large or loud families tend to do this more often again without even realizing they are doing it. Those same people are used to having it done to them and don’t even think about it. However, while some do not mind this others mind a lot. Many consider interrupting rude and narcissistic. Model this in conversations with your spouse and children. Praise them when they wait their turn.
11. Being On Time
Punctuality is more than just good manners—it’s a way of showing love and respect for others. Help your children understand that being on time communicates that you value someone else’s time just as much as your own. Teach them the principle that it’s better to be 10 minutes early than to arrive late or just barely on time.
If your child tends to struggle with punctuality, help them develop time awareness by using clocks, timers, and gentle reminders. Encourage them to be mindful of how their preparation affects others, and if they’re running late, to adjust and move more quickly so they don’t inconvenience those around them. These habits, once learned, will serve them well in every stage of life.
12. Dressing Appropriately for the Occasion
How we dress influences not only how we think and feel, but also how we act—and how others respond to us. Clothing communicates respect—for ourselves, for others, and for the occasion. There’s a time and place for every style, and dressing appropriately helps us feel more confident and puts those around us at ease.
Sometimes, an event invitation will include a dress code, but often it won’t—so it’s important to teach children the basics. Talk with them about different dress codes: what “formal,” “semi-formal,” “business,” “business casual,” and “casual” attire mean, and when each is appropriate. Help them understand that dressing in a way that drastically stands out—or falls short—can unintentionally create discomfort for themselves or others.
By learning how to dress thoughtfully and appropriately, our children gain a valuable life skill that helps them feel comfortable and confident wherever they go.
13. Offering Help Without Being Asked
While we should always be willing to help when asked, it’s even more meaningful to notice and respond to needs without being prompted. Many people won’t ask for help—even when they truly need it. That’s why it’s so important to develop an awareness that extends beyond ourselves and to teach our children to do the same.
Encourage your kids to look for everyday opportunities to serve: offering a warm greeting to someone they know, carrying groceries for a neighbor, helping younger siblings, clearing the table after dinner, or even delivering a meal to a family going through a hard time. These small, thoughtful acts of kindness build empathy and foster a genuine love for others.
And don’t forget to teach them how to receive help graciously, too. Let others serve you when they offer—and be sure to thank them sincerely. Gracious giving and receiving are both essential parts of a caring, connected community.
14. Apologizing Sincerely
Recognizing when we’ve made a mistake and offering a sincere apology is one of the clearest signs of emotional maturity. It’s important to teach our children that an apology isn’t about making excuses or justifying their behavior—it’s about taking ownership and making things right.
Help them learn the structure of a genuine apology: “I’m sorry for… It was wrong because… I’ll do better.” This simple yet powerful formula fosters accountability, empathy, and a sincere desire to grow. When we model and teach this kind of humility, we’re giving our children a skill that strengthens relationships and builds trust for life.
15. Disagreeing Without Being Disrespectful
Yes, it is absolutely possible to disagree with someone while still being kind, respectful, and honoring their right to a different opinion. Unfortunately, today’s cultural climate often sends the opposite message—that if someone sees things differently, especially on topics like politics, health, education, or religion, they must be a bad person whose opinion doesn’t deserve consideration.
This mindset is divisive, limiting, and isolating. It takes empathy, maturity, and emotional intelligence to recognize that good people can—and do—disagree on deeply held beliefs. Teaching our children that others are still worthy of kindness and respect, even when their views differ, is one of the most valuable lessons we can give them.
Model this in your own interactions, especially when navigating difficult conversations. Show them that respectful disagreement doesn’t have to lead to conflict—it can actually strengthen understanding. Equip them with phrases like, “I see it differently, and here’s why,” or “That’s an interesting perspective—I hadn’t thought of it that way.” These simple tools help them engage in thoughtful dialogue while maintaining both their values and their relationships.
16. Respecting Elders and Authority Figures
Many cultures excel at honoring and respecting their elders, but in others—including much of our own—older generations are often dismissed as out of touch or, worse, seen as a burden. It’s vital that we teach our children to value and show respect for both elders and authority figures. These individuals carry wisdom, experience, and perspective that we—and our children—can learn so much from.
Respect begins with listening. Encourage your children to hear others out without interrupting and to respond thoughtfully. It also includes using polite forms of address—like “yes, ma’am/sir” or “thank you”—and treating older individuals with the dignity and kindness they deserve. These small gestures reflect a heart of humility and gratitude, and they go a long way in bridging generational gaps.
17. Holding the Door for Others
Holding the door for others was once a widely practiced gesture of respect and kindness. Boys and men would open doors for girls and women, youth would assist the elderly, and anyone would lend a hand to someone whose arms were full. While some still uphold this courtesy—especially for those in obvious need—much of this social grace has faded from everyday life.
In particular, the tradition of boys and men holding doors for girls and women has nearly vanished. Many young men aren’t taught this simple act of civility, and many young women aren’t used to receiving it. In fact, some feel unsure of how to respond or even ask that it not be done at all. But opening a door isn’t about asserting power—it’s about showing respect and thoughtfulness. And the appropriate response? A warm, “thank you,” and a gracious walk through.
Teach your children that this gesture is not outdated, but timeless. Encourage your sons to always be aware of those around them and to open doors as a sign of respect, whether for women, the elderly, or anyone in need. And just as importantly, teach your daughters to pause, allow others the chance to serve, and respond with grace and gratitude. These small acts foster a culture of mutual respect and kindness.
18. Responding to Invitations or Messages Promptly
Responding to an invitation with an RSVP is a simple yet meaningful act of courtesy. It allows the host to plan appropriately—whether it’s for food, activities, or seating arrangements (especially in the case of weddings or formal events). A timely response shows appreciation for the invitation and respect for the effort being made to include you.
Teach your children that RSVPing isn’t optional—it’s part of being thoughtful and responsible. Whether it’s a formal reply or just a quick text, responding lets others know where you stand and helps avoid unnecessary confusion or stress. In short: don’t ghost people. A small reply can go a long way in showing respect and consideration.
19. Using Names When Addressing People
I’ll be the first to admit—I’m terrible with names. I always have been. In high school, I had a major crush on a guy for six months and could never remember his name. Our friends had to keep reminding me! I can remember faces, conversations, even where we met—but names just don’t stick easily for me.
Because I know this about myself, I’ve had to work extra hard to be intentional about learning and remembering names. And while I still mess up or have to ask a few times, I’ve found that people usually appreciate the effort. It shows that I care enough to try, and that alone makes a difference.
Using someone’s name in conversation instantly makes things feel more personal, more thoughtful, and more genuine. Teach your kids that remembering names is a skill they can build. Encourage them to repeat the name a few times during an introduction, associate it with the context in which they met the person, or simply ask again if they forget. The effort is always worth it—especially if they want to build strong, trusting relationships.
20. Not Oversharing Online
This one can be tricky—how much sharing is too much? According to my husband, any sharing of personal information is too much (he’s extremely private), which is why he jokingly refers to me as his “security breach.” But for most people, it’s natural to share parts of their personal life online—especially on social media.
The key is finding the right balance, and that balance can look different for every person and family. That’s why it’s so important to have open conversations at home about digital boundaries. Discuss what your family is comfortable sharing publicly, what should remain private, and how to recognize the difference. These discussions help children (and adults!) navigate the online world with confidence, discretion, and respect for both themselves and others.
21. Being a Good Host or Guest
There are timeless rules of civility that both hosts and guests should observe—because at their core, these practices are all about showing respect.
As a host or hostess, it’s important to warmly greet your guests and help them feel comfortable. That might mean introducing them to others, offering refreshments, or making sure no one feels left out or overlooked. A thoughtful host creates a welcoming environment where everyone feels seen and included.
As a guest, it’s just as important to show appreciation. Always thank your host for having you, never arrive empty-handed if you can help it, and be mindful of house rules and how you handle things in someone else’s space. If something is broken—own it, apologize, and offer to replace or repair it. When appropriate, follow up with a thank-you note to express your gratitude.
These are small but meaningful habits that help teach children (and remind us) how to be gracious, respectful, and thoughtful in both roles. Practice welcoming guests into your home together, and talk with your children about how to behave respectfully when they’re a guest in someone else’s. These lessons build confidence and courtesy that will serve them well for life.
Healing Society One Family at a Time
Teaching these things won’t happen in one conversation. But over time, and with consistent modeling, these social graces will become second nature.
And as our children practice kindness, gratitude, and respect in the world, they will inspire others to do the same. That’s how healing begins. Not from the top down, but from the family out—one child, one act of civility at a time.
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